Remember those resolutions you made around the beginning of the year? To eat more salads and less carbs and exercise at the gym seven days a week? C’mon…you knew that was never going to last. You actually thought you were going to give up bacon…in exchange for carrots? Right. It’s time to throw caution to the wind and prove just how far you can push that appetite of yours. We’ve got your 10 greatest gut bombs right here, and they’re certainly not for the faint of heart:
Triple Hubcap Burger from Cotham’s: In truth, there is no end to the amount of self-torture available through a Cotham’s Hupcap. They’ll let you order their famous burger with as many 1 lb. beef patties as you feel inclined to consume. I’ve seen it done with three, and it was a spectacle to behold…a true feat of strength and endurance. But we’re going back for the “quad”…as soon we get the green light from the cardiologist.
Loaded Foot-Long Chili Dog from Three Sam’s BBQ: The dog itself seems to be about as thick as your arm, and it comes swimming in a pool full of thick, meaty chili, a few scoops of coleslaw, gobs of shredded cheese, onions, and jalapeños. Your friends won’t want to ride in the car with you for a week…but that’s a sacrifice worth making.
The Midtown Burger Challenge at Midtown Billiards: This dark, ancient, smoky lair is home to one of the city’s most abominable food creations ever devised by mankind. It’s a twisted, cruel creation fit for only the bravest of stomachs. Embark on the Midtown Burger Challenge and they’ll bring you a whopping stacked burger composed of four 1/2 lb. patties, an entire can of Spam, three eggs, eight slices of bacon, six slices of bread, nine slices of cheese, and all the other fixings. Eat it in under 30 mins and you get to consume that little gem for free.
Chicken Philly Fries from Gino’s Full Belly Deli: They take an enormous pile of fries and fill up an entire styrofoam container. Then they drape said fries in two kinds of cheese, a small bucketful of yellow cheddar and white melted Swiss. They finish with some strips of chicken breast mixed with sautéed pepper and onions fresh off the flat-top. Don’t even attempt to eat this monstrosity with your hands…unless you’ve brought a change of clothes.
Chocolate Sack from So: In the arena of decadent desserts, perhaps no one goes bigger than So and their famous “chocolate sack.” It’s four towering walls of tempered dark chocolate, filled with several scoops of ice cream, cherry and raspberry compote, almonds, graham crackers, peanut butter mousse, and whipped cream. They finish it off with a large chocolate dipped strawberry…just to taunt you a bit. If you’re going into So for the sack, you’d probably better skip dinner altogether.
Torta Grande from Mercado San Jose: You could just stick the the smaller, wimpier torta they serve…which will undoubtedly leave you full to the brim. But go for glory and attempt to tackle their bigger, badder “grande” Mexican sandwich and your name might well be remembered for all eternity. The sandwich covers the entirety of the large plate it’s served on and comes stuffed with your choice of meat, tomato, lettuce, avocado, cilantro, refried beans, and melted cheese. You’ll impress your friends if you even get through half of it.
“The Gut Bomb” from Gadwall’s Grill: Why not start your day off with enough calories to last you until tomorrow? Gadwall’s takes a pile of scrambled eggs and tops them with chili, jalapeños, and cheddar cheese, then serves this alongside a big ole’ biscuit and fried breakfast potatoes. You may have only just woken up…but you’ll still be needing a nap after this one.
Tomahawk Ribeye from Table 28: Order one of these beautiful brontosaurus-sized steaks and watch heads turn all across the dining room as they bring it to your table. It may be massive, but it’s also cooked perfectly and entirely delicious. And as if the colossal amount of cow flesh weren’t enough, they garnish it with a mound of fried onion strings and bleu cheese fondue.
Nachos Supreme from El Palenque: They essentially take every ingredient they’ve got in the kitchen and pile them on a mound of corn chips. It’s a nearly never-ending stream of white queso, chicken and beef, refried beans, bell peppers, sour cream, salsa, tomatoes, jalapeños, and cilantro. You could feed a family of five on this one plate…and they’re serving it up for a mere $7.99. You won’t find a better bargain in town.
Stuffy Underdog from Damgoode Pies: One slice of this award-winning pie is often enough to satisfy the average appetite. It’s a double crusted pizza jam-packed with ground beef, red and yellow bell peppers, olives, onions, and cheddar cheese with their beloved “pink sauce” spooned over the top. It’s heavy enough that Damgoode’s delivery guys often wear a back brace when transporting one to your door. Just remember, lift with your knees, boys.
RIP Damgoode Pies
November 20, 2023
